The thunder banged hard, the flash of lightning smacking into our neighborhood. That was close, I thought as the lights went out.
I lay tense in my bedroom’s utter blackness, bracing myself for the rest of the storm, for my kids’ cries, for the worst to happen. Brad was in Africa. I felt the weight of responsibility for making sure we were safe. No sleeping now. Not that I’d been sleeping anyway.
“What if, what if, what if” had been rumbling around in my head all night. Fear following my thoughts like crashing lightning after thunder. What if everything falls apart? What if God says “no?” What if things all turn out for the worst?
I had just been reading to the kids about the One who calms storms, walks on water, brings life from death. Do I really trust Him?
Not always. Not enough. Not with everything. After all... what if..?
But the idea flashed in my head. What if I changed “what if?” What if I spent my time assuming the best, planning for provision instead of lack, expecting Him to say yes?
So, little by little, I’ve created my new list.
What if we can actually find a place of our own during furlough next year in Colorado Springs (summer 2013) and Indianapolis (fall 2013)?
What if I stopped worrying about finding a place to stay during this Christmas in Singapore, to await the birth of our baby, and believed it would actually work out?
What if I can survive today’s morning sickness just a bit better than yesterday?
What if I let kind words replace my impatience with my kids, with drivers on the road, with the electric company?
What if the hard things softened me toward grace instead of burning me out?
What if I believed I am precious instead of remembering I am so very flawed?
What if life really could follow death? And good endings could come from utter defeat? And acceptance was truer than rejection?
And what if energetic days could come after sleepless nights?
What if we allowed time for rest in the busiest busyness, and gifts to appear in the droughts and strength to be given in our complete weakness?
What if you tried this, too?
photo credit, Reckless Dream Photography