Saturday, January 14, 2012

Losing My Nerve

“Are you ready for the new year?” Brad asked me on our walk. He carried Renea in a back carrier. I pushed Evan in a stroller.

Motorbikes and cement trucks zoomed past us as I tried to plow the small stroller wheels through sand-filled potholes.

“I guess,” I answered. A truck rumbled by, catching my words, and leaving behind the fears.

The new year? This one? The one where we’ll take a month-long trip back to the States with our little kids on that horribly long airplane ride? The one where Brad has three more masters’ courses on top of his already busy schedule? The one where he learns to fly a new airplane, and then goes to Africa for three weeks while I stay with the kids in Indonesia?

The one where we continue to hope for health for our little kids in a place of poisonous snakes and tropical diseases? The one where challenges I don’t even know about will surely push themselves into our lives?

The truth is, I’m losing my nerve.

It all started back when I had my first baby. Our family no longer consisted of my strong former Army soldier husband and my own invincible dreams. Our little baby boy was tiny—just six pounds—and vulnerable. And it was my job as mommy to make sure he would make it.

Then I had a little girl, who, though bigger than Evan at birth, just seems more fragile, even as she plows bravely into the world around her.

But now it’s been 18 months since she was born, and almost seven years since I moved to Indonesia. We’ve been through hard things and survived. My kids get bigger and stronger each year. So, where has all my courage gone? Why don’t I feel strong anymore? How could I move forward in this crazy year when I felt like I was slipping backward. How can I live here if I can’t buck up?

And then the truth tickled my weak heart. I need to learn something. I need to stop trying to be so strong.

I need to: Lean on His strength. Pray for His protection. Live in His courage.

Lose your nerve and find His courage. Give up your control and trust His power. Die to the fears and live in the miracles.

And I remember one of my favorite quotes:

“God is looking for people through whom He can do the impossible. What a pity when we only plan things we can do by ourselves.” –A. W. Tozer

Will you join me as we let Him turn our weakness into His strength?

photo credit, notsogoodphotography


  1. A friend of mine talked at MOPS this week and said the definition of discouragement is the lack of courage. I guess it made sense, but I'd never thought of it that way. When I lack courage (and get scared of all the things that could happen to my kids) I do get discouraged and immobilized. It was a different way for me to think about it and defeat it.

  2. Hmm. Good perspective. Gives me something to chew on today. Thanks, Kim!

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